I’ve had long hair for a few years, and I have a stimming habit of twirling the left side of it, sometimes tightly, almost into knots. I usually manage to untwirl it without harm, but regardless, I end up with split ends.
With split ends it tangles more easily. When I run a hand through it, or try to work through the conditioner, or just brush it, sometimes two or more strands will end up knotted together near the end. At this point, forcing my fingers or the brush to the end of the strand will usually break the hair, leading to more split ends. I used to think the only alternative was to stop and painstakingly try to untie the knot.
However, I noticed recently that it’s easier to “question” the knot. Instead of trying to break through it or solve it (like a problem), I just hold it gently and try to clarify exactly which hairs are actually part of the knot, moving the others aside. What usually happens is that somewhere along the way, the knot disappears, almost like magic.
It’s almost strange that this works because it is just too perfect as a metaphor. It’s exactly what I know intellectually is the best approach to personal differences: don’t try to convince, just to understand. Understand why people see things the way they do. When I find myself in entrenched disagreement, it’s usually after talking about a bunch of points briefly, rather than one thing at a time carefully. On each point, each of us likely made assumptions about the other’s thoughts. It’s worth going back and pulling away the strands that weren’t actually part of the knot.
This even feels similar to my approach in the good moments when I manage to talk my child down from a meltdown. Don’t force through the knot, but also don’t try to untie the entire thing. First question it, separate the truly important needs from the drawn-along-in-the-wake needs. In the best cases, when I do this, he simply figures out for himself how to move on calmly.